December 08, 2012

Some sharp one-liners...

'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.' - Groucho Marx

'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.' - Woody Allen

'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.' - Billy Connolly

'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.' - W.C Fields

'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.' - Les Dawson

'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.' - Spike Milligan

'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. - Bob Newhart

'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". ' - Jimmy Carr

'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.' - Ken Dodd

'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.' - Noel Coward

'The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.' - Oscar Wilde

'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.' - Mark Twain

"I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before". - Bob Hope

'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.' - Bill Cosby

'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.' - Mae West

'Politics is just show business for ugly people.' - Jay Leno

'I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.' - Jerry Seinfeld

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