'I never forget a face, but in your case I’d be glad to make an exception.' - Groucho Marx
'Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.' - Woody Allen
'My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.' - Billy Connolly
'Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.' - W.C Fields
'My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.' - Les Dawson
'Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.' - Spike Milligan
'I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'. - Bob Newhart
'I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help". ' - Jimmy Carr
'I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.' - Ken Dodd
'Never trust a man with short legs… his brain’s too near his bottom.' - Noel Coward
'The English country gentleman galloping after a fox is the unspeakable in full pursuit of the uneatable.' - Oscar Wilde
'Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.' - Mark Twain
"I remember my staff asking me when I was going to retire. I said when I could no longer hear the sound of laughter. He said: "That never stopped you before". - Bob Hope
'Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.' - Bill Cosby
'I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.' - Mae West
'Politics is just show business for ugly people.' - Jay Leno
'I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup.' - Jerry Seinfeld
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